i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
