I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Randomize
