So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
