i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
