Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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