She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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