just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
