found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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