You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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