yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
