hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
