Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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