I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
