Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
