Can i not drive my cunt home
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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