i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
