Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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