Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
