how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
