Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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