i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
