i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
