If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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