so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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