I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
