Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
