We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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