Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
