omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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