I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
