tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
