There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
