She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
