hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
