what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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