I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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