everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
