Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
