The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
