its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
