he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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