she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
