Dual....:-)
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
