actually, I'm a sock model
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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