Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
