dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
