Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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