Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
