Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
