I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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