I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
