someone threw a dead crab at me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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