I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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