so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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