I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
