my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
